Jokes!

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Jokes!

“Laughing our way to God…”

Ok, this is my current collection of jokes. My kids tell me I’m a nerd because I sometimes collect them….Well, here’s just a few of my faves. Enjoy!

First though did you know that laughter is the ‘Highest Peak of Growth’…..read on…

To the question: ‘Why do you tell jokes? And why don’t you laugh at your own jokes?’ the wonderful spiritual teacher Osho, said:

“First, Religion is a complicated joke. If you don’t laugh at all you have missed the point; if you only laugh you have missed the point again. It is a very complicated joke. And the whole of life is a great cosmic joke. It is not a serious phenomenon — take it seriously and you will go on missing it. It is understood only through laughter.

Have you not observed that man is the only animal who laughs? Aristotle says man is the rational animal. That may not be true — because ants are very rational and bees are very rational. In fact, compared to ants, man looks almost irrational. And a computer is very rational — compared to a computer, man is very irrational.

My definition of man is that man is the laughing animal. No computer laughs, no ant laughs, no bee laughs. If you come across a dog laughing you will be so scared! Or a buffalo suddenly laughs: you may have a heart attack. It is only man who can laugh, it is the highest peak of growth.

And it is through laughter that you will reach to God — because it is only through the highest that is in you that you can reach the ultimate. Laughter has to become the bridge. Laugh your way to God. I don’t say pray your way to God, I say laugh your way to God. If you can laugh you will be able to love. If you can laugh you will be able to relax. Laughter relaxes like nothing else. So all jokes to me are prayers — that’s why I tell them. And you ask: WHY DON’T YOU LAUGH AT YOUR OWN JOKES? Because I have heard them before.”

(And I say to Osho – every moment is new so every joke, even if you heard it before, can be funny!!)

[Source: from book "The Revolution" by Osho]

And here’s another fave quote on humour, and so true it is:

Voltaire: “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”

So in the spirit of simply having a laugh, here are some jokes to give you a laugh and a half…go on, let down those barriers and just laugh….:-) Some are spiritual, some are not so much funny as spiritual in a wry, thought-provoking way, and some may be just plain ha ha. Btw way I tend to find humour that is pretty close to the bone real funny, but I have tried to hold back just in case anyone is offended! Still, if I have let any loose canons through and if you are religious, attached to your ideas or not sure you should be laughing at a particular joke, I say – GO ON! God won’t mind. Truly! So, enjoy…

NEWEST JOKES HERE:

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO GOD
These charming items are often circulated as an anonymously written piece; but they are actually excerpts from a lovely book by Stuart Hample & Eric Marshall, Children’s Letters to God (Workman Publishing, 1991 and reprints); here are a few sample messages:

Dear God, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison.

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You keep the ones You already have now? Jane.

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. That’s what my Mom did for me and my brother. Larry.

Dear God, If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. Mickey.

Dear God, I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I’m having a hard time loving all of them. Nan.

Dear God, Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Lucy.

Dear God, Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma.

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that OK? Neil.

Dear God, Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if You did, then I’m going to get my brother good. Darla.

Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce.

Dear God, I think about You sometimes, even when I’m not praying. Elliot.

Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? Marsha.

Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. Eugene.

~~~

WEDDING
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

~~~

THE AFTERLIFE
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven!” cried out little Suzy.
“And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the preacher.
“Six feet under!” yelled little Tommy.

~~~

GRACE BEFORE MEALS
The Sunday School teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly: do you say prayers before eating?” “No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”

~~~

A MILLION TO ONE
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered, “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally the man asked, “ God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, “In a minute!”

~~~

A PRAYER FOR THE DAY
Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I’m really glad of that! But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen.

~~~

SO I MARRIED AN ATHEIST
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She explained to her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. “Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

~~~

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COMPUTERS
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

~~~
(This one is so true too)

Q: How much “ego” do you need?
A: Just enough so that you don’t step in front of a bus.

–Shunryu Suzuki

~~~

EMPTINESS
When Tesshu, the famous medieval samurai swordsman, was young and headstrong, he visited one Zen master after another. Once he went to visit Master Dokuon and triumphantly announced to him the classic Buddhist teaching that all that exists is empty, there is really no you or me, and so on. The master listened to all this in silence. Suddenly he snatched up his pipe and struck Tesshu’s head with it. The infuriated young swordsman would have killed the master there and then, but Dokuon said calmly, “Emptiness is sure quick to show anger, is it not?” Tesshu left the room, realizing he still had much to learn about Zen.

~~~
GRAFFITI
Seen on a restroom wall: “God is dead.”–Nietzsche.
Below that was written: “Nietzsche is dead.”–God.

~~~

Disciple: Oh wise and all knowing one, take me to the realm of perfect peace.
Master: If I take you to that realm, it will no longer be peaceful.

~~~

Bush jokes….

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because ‘They’ve seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.’ These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

President Bush said for security reasons, he’s sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it’s not like that speaking thing was working out so good.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said “All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.”

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

(True Story) Don’t mess with old people!

Here’s Russell Howard, a young comedian who is very funny.

And of course a fave, Family Guy, just that bit funnier than the Simpsons…Don’t you just love em! And just look at the no of people who have watched this video – 24+ million!

Why my wife demanded a divorce. . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning..I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’

I thought….Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ‘Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..’ I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, do we?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’ She said, ‘Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner..’

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ‘Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’ ‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there….

On the couch….

~~~

Naked.

Homer Simpson One-Liners!

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

I’m not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

I don’t hate your mother, I just won’t be sad when she dies.

Marge, I’m going to miss you so much. And it’s not just the sex! It’s also the food preparation.

English? Who needs that? I’m never going to England!

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

Mmmmmm – 52 slices of American cheese.

Hey, I asked for ketchup – I’m eatin’ salad here!

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

Son, when you participate in sporting events – it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how drunk you get.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!

I’m trying to fix your mother’s camera. Easy, easy – Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.

All right, let’s not panic. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

First you don’t want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!

I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”

I don’t have to be careful, I’ve got a gun!

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Books are useless: I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird” – and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

Hey, I asked for ketchup – I’m eatin’ salad here!

Extended warranty? How can I lose?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.

I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn’t, it’s that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.

It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

I’ve always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is — and it’s me.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English.

I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.

[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]

Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You-are-gay.’

All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.

Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!

‘To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?

~~~

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The Pastor’s Ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby Convent.. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted! He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the papers read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is …. Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery. It can even shorten your life.. ..So be yourself and enjoy life to the fullest. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

~~~

I Created You

One day, as usually, an orphan, a little girl, stood at the street corner begging for food, money or whatever she could get. Now, this girl was wearing very tattered clothes, was dirty and quite dishevelled.

A well-to-do you man passed that corner without giving the girl a second look. But, when he returned to his expensive home, his happy and comfortable family, and his well-laden dinner table, his thoughts returned to the young orphan. He became very angry with God for allowing such conditions to exist.

He reproached God, saying, “How can you let this happen? Why don’t you do something to help this girl???”

Then he heard God in the depths of his being responding by saying “I did. I created You.”

~~~

The Atheist

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by a three-headed monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow them both. As the men sailed head over hells, he cried out, “Oh my God! Help me!” At once the ferocious attack scene froze in one place, and as the atheist hung in mid air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in three-headed monsters either!”

 

~~~

 Jokes!

One Last Wish

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’, St. Peter?”

“No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.”

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asketh the Lord.

“He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”

~~~

The Bible According to Kids

The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

* In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

* Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

* Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

* Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

* Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

* The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

* Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

* The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

* The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

* The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

* Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

* Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

* When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

* When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

* Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

* St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

* It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

* St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

* A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

~~~

468x80 Skin Health Jokes!

Laughter…God’s Promise and a Facelift

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked,  ’Is my time up?’

‘No’ replies God, ‘you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.’

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, lipo-suction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, ‘I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the car?’

God replied, ‘Girlllllll, I didn’t even recognize you!’

~~~

Mr Smith arrives at the Pearly Gates

Mr. Smith, upon arriving at the heavenly gates, was asked by St. Peter if he was sure he was in the right place as he, St. Peter, had no record of him in the “reservation” book. Mr. Smith told St. Peter that he was sure he was in the right place because he had done many good things in his life. St. Peter looked again and said, “I can’t find anything about you or any good works done by you”. St. Peter then asked Mr. Smith to relate at least one incident where he had done a good work so that St. Peter could decide whether or not to let Mr. Smith come into heaven.

Mr. Smith, much relieved, told St. Peter that one day as he was walking down the street, he noticed, about a block ahead of him, a large group of big, burly, mean looking members of a motorcycle gang that had been terrorizing the town. He also noticed a little old lady trying to walk past them on her way to church. As the little old lady made her way past a particularly nasty looking gang member, he pushed her to the ground, grabbed her purse, and gave her a kick. Mr. Smith began to sprint toward the little old lady in an effort to try to help her. When he arrived on the scene, Mr. Smith pushed the gang member aside, helped the old lady up, and shouted at the gang members that they were never to do such a thing again and if they ever did they would have to deal with him personally again.

St. Peter was very much impressed with Mr. Smith’s story. He told Mr. Smith how very brave he was to have confronted the entire motorcycle gang in an effort to help the little old lady. “So, Mr. Smith, just when did this incident happen?”, St. Peter asked. “Oh, I believe it was about 10 minutes ago.”

~~~

A Story of Creation

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn’t be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, “Let there be light.”

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.”

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.”

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before….

At this point, God created Hell.

~~~

Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth. When the dentist asked him if he wanted Novocaine. The yogi said “No. I can transcend dental medication.”

~~~

Q: Why did it take the Buddha forever to vacuum his sofa?

A: Because he didn’t have any attachments.

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