“My Story”

First of all, let me just say this:

There is what you know – and you know that you know it.
Then there’s what you don’t know – and you know that you don’t know it.
Then there’s what you don’t know – and you don’t know that you don’t know it.

Spiritual awakening is in the last category.

And then it happens. And then you kind of know it, yet still don’t know it…!

In 2007, whilst finding myself with much time alone, a spiritual awakening occurred – there is no other term for it – over a matter of a few short weeks. This is what happened, and a bit more about ‘me’…

(The video to the right is an interview by Conscious TV where I spoke about what happened during this catharsis).

I have since my teens been on a journey to find ‘the truth.’ In this process I have done a lot of ‘personal development’ stuff, always seeking, always searching. Additionally, I was born into a Hindu family, later I practiced a Japanese form of Buddhism for seven years and later still, Christianity for two. All in a search for the ‘meaning of life’ and an end to the stresses of life. Looking back now at my life, it seems perfectly logical to me that I should not only travel the path of such seeking, but should then go through the ‘dark night of the soul’ and that a ‘rude’ awakening should occur. I have come to know that the Universe is perfectly logical, very just and highly intelligent. Nothing can occur on the outside unless the conditions are present within.

And so the conditions for the dark night of my soul were definitely present within me! There was certainly much stress and anxiety in my life, mostly resisted, mostly judged, and mostly ignored.

Now I call it the dark night of the soul, but it is akin to transformational crisis, spiritual emergency, or spiritual catharsis. It matters not really what phrase is used.

During the dark night I was like a cloth being passed through an emotional mill. The subsequent awakening I experienced involved a fundamental shift away from my identity. I finally saw that what I had been looking so hard for in outer religions, people and things, was already and always within me and within all people, that all things and people are really One. Separation is an illusion and in the awakened state there is nothing amiss, nothing wrong, nothing to do, nothing to say. There is nothing – an intelligent nothing you could say.

This is because it is all that we project onto life in terms of beliefs, mental analyses and value judgments that block the seeing of real Self and realizing this experientially. It sounds so simple when you finally see this, but most people are locked into their thought processes to such an extent that what they think is what is believed to be true. That’s how I used to be too.

Have you heard of the expression ‘it’s beyond belief’? Well, Awakening certainly is, in more ways than one. In fact, in the space of stillness from which all things arise and come to rest – zero point – all is intrinsically in a state of peace and love. Beliefs are unreal. They mean and serve nothing, and for the very large part are the cause of our suffering.

But moving beyond the addiction to our thoughts is not easy, and so a fundamental spiritual shift does not occur lightly, and it doesn’t occur from wanting it or through will power either. It occurs whenever it occurs, the timing cannot consciously be determined. However sincere enquiry and willingness to go beyond comfort zones are a prime impetus. This impetus is our soul’s cry, and it leads us back to the very thing we have been longing for, without even knowing it, and this very thing is real Self. Yes, we are searching for our own Truth. That’s why nothing we achieve or get satisfies us fully. After all my own searching in life, it was the profound and simple realization that nothing outside of myself (no religion, no amount of money, no relationship, nothing) could satiate me as the Truth of simple Beingness could.

And Truth, Beingness, Isness, Consciousness….whatever you wish to call It, well, I found It right where I was, and – and this is the key part – through all of what I had accumulated emotionally and mentally. That’s right. Pain is usually our greatest teacher. Without the help of our depressions, anxieties, abuses, and negativity we would undoubtedly remain asleep and suffering from those.

Moreover, there is no guru nor spiritually evolved being that is any more Truth than you are. You, yes you, contain it all. Just as I do, and the next person does. Sadly for some none of us is special (I jest somewhat) – but we are indeed unique in our own particular manifestation. The Truth is right here, right now, right within your pain, anger or envy.

The way that Truth shows up in your life is by showing you your shadow self first, then the Magnificence of Life is experienced when we embrace – and love – all of us, warts and all. There is no other way than to travel the emotional journey. This has been shown time and time again, and especially at this time now. So many people awaken through the mill of their own suffering. You can read these stories in book after book.

Similarly, even had I wanted to resist this most painful path, the dark night had arrived and there was no stopping the emotional onslaught during that time. I had accumulated too much from my past for the damn to be plugged any more. I had been living a highly stressed out life. Just to sumarise how I was before this whole awakening thing happened – I was very easily angered, highly judgmental of myself and others, deep down unhappy and ill at ease, always anxious about something and never feeling settled. Oh, and always trying to maintain an image of myself to others of none of these things but rather someone who was always together and with it. Boy, it was hard work being me.

What happened during this dark night was that I faced myself in a raw way for the first time. I saw through the sham. I saw how phoney I was. I saw how inauthentic I had become. I felt split in two – the me that I knew wasn’t any of the things that I was trying to project to the outside world was now at odds with those very things. For the first time in my whole adult life, I couldn’t maintain the facade – no, not even clever old Reena could do it any longer.

Some people call this a break down. I guess it was. This experience was traumatic for me. I felt I was sinking. I felt I had moved into a crazy place where I was losing it. Had I been to the doctor I am sure I would have been offered some long-term happy pills.

But for once I’m glad my conditioning didn’t allow the ‘shame’ of going to the doc (best to avoid medication wherever possible), and as I bore with the inner torment and then started seeking help, in a matter of a short enough space of time, one by one, I examined and dropped attachment to the many ego facades that I portrayed to the outside world, and most importantly, to myself. My back was against the wall but I had no other possibility other than pushing further into the wall and breaking through. I was facing myself. Terrifying to be sure. An unknown without a doubt. But gradually, very gradually, habitual fear began to dissipate.

Things that I had taken as true were revealed to be unreal. It was like the bucket that had hitherto been just about keeping all the water in, was now leaking without possibility of repair. The person I knew myself to be was a bogus compensatory mechanism resultant of negative inner conflicts and suppressed pain, and was now felt to be totally without substance or meaning. It wasn’t a conscious thing, I just knew I wasn’t the person that had been trying to live my life. This ‘myself’ or ‘me’ was now revealed as having no defined basis, no identity that I could now relate to, or rely upon. This identity was no longer experienced as being me. What I now experienced was that there was no ‘me’, no separate person that was controller and director of ‘my life’, there was in fact no definitive person I could actually say existed! Whoa! This was a very strange feeling. I mean, who was ‘I’, and what did it mean when I say ‘I am Indian’ or ‘I am Reena’ or ‘I am successful’ or ‘I am a failure’ or ‘I am an angry person’ or ‘I am a happy person’ etc? The answers to these sorts of questions were simply words coming out of my mouth, but meaning nothing in reality as I was now experiencing it.

As this was going on I had a strong sense of an inner sensation of nothingness, an emptiness, which was a very strange and frightening feeling. I was ‘freaked out’ totally by this, baffled, confused. What was it? I had no idea initially. It was this that led me to think I was obviously losing my marbles. I eventually understood this emptiness not as an indication of insanity but of Consciousness.

As deep understanding dawned, there followed moments of great connection to Source and I began to feel blessed and full of amazement for the Creation that we are a part. My whole being came home.

The film had finally started…Like the frustration of having to be subjected to all those adverts in a cinema versus the relief and excitement of the actual film starting. It’s the film you’ve paid for, right! (Ok, so if you’re one of those strange people that loves adverts this analogy won’t exactly cut the mustard!) {Joke }

There was no more seeking like before. I had come home, and my home had been found to be right here, right now. It was a state of Isness, nothing more, nothing less. The simplicity of Divine Truth led me to smile and eventually laugh out loud. What a cosmic joke it all was. God really does have a sense of humour. The truth of simple Beingness, was full and complete and offered to us at all moments, if we could just, for even one moment, step out of the way and let Life flow.

Without awareness of connection to Source all of life is struggle, effort and going round in circles, and pleasure and pain are just two sides of the coin of human struggle and fear for pleasure is really never only pleasurable. And there can be no connection to Source as long as we are hopelessly attached to the intricacies of our identities and in denial of our emotional life. In reality, effort itself gives rise to our own suffering.

If we can see that identity is simply a concept being played out by Universal Mind through each individual manifestation of that Mind, which is our individual lives, we can become free. When we can awaken to this, life – yes, our very identity – becomes vastly more enjoyable because we have the freedom to not be overly submerged in worries and concerns as we see that nothing is really personal or special (albeit we are unique in our manifestation), ie that the ‘me’ is frankly quite irrelevant, and I would say, dull and boring . With such detachment to our own concerns about who we are, we can play the game of our identity fully and without fear. Isn’t that what we really want – to be self-expressed and just be with what arises? Isn’t this the freedom that is always just round the corner, and believed to be possessed usually only when we’re intoxicated with wine, or a lover, or some other stimulant, or some other momentary excitement or drama?

Due to the rigidness in the way that we live and behave, the ability to distance ourselves from ego often takes place when circumstances force us into a corner. For example, you may lose a job, a relationship, a loved one, face financial difficulties or you may simply lose the will to live and feel fed up. If you are at this point, then believe me when I say that this is your blessing in disguise, it is your wake-up call from your Soul, and as such a great gift. How else could you awaken and shed the fear? Isn’t it perfect that just before the dawn of freedom, we usually have to ride our own inner storm? Perhaps we may wish it wasn’t so, but it is a process of learning to take responsibility for our own creations, and these include our suffering.

Until we are ready to traverse our own self-created pain the veil of illusion usually does not lift. No matter how clever, rich, famous or accomplished we are in any field. And until the veil of illusion is allowed to lift, no amount of cleverness, will power, celebrity accolades or millions in the bank will provide the deep joy that can be experienced in the absence of attachment to these very things.

And how do we lift the veil of illusion? My answer is simple, it is primarily emotional intelligence, or emotional openness (one and the same). Most people have learned the opposite through their lives – to be emotionally closed. Not consciously but rather because there really was no role model. Our parents did their best. But the veil of unconsciousness remained. In adulthood, if we are lucky, or challenged enough, we will come to learn to love ourselves enough to become emotional masters. To allow whatever feelings we hold and to let them be valid, and then the veil of false identity can start to be noticed. Until we take on the mantle of our birthright as emotional human beings we cannot begin to understand ourselves or be happy. It is truly as simple as that. Once we do embark on this ‘real’ journey, the universe opens up in all its amazingness and the ironic thing is – we go beyond emotion into creativeness, and joy. Sure, emotion arises, but it is no longer the determining factor of joy in our lives. The joy is there regardless.

So as I learnt all these things – or perhaps unlearnt and emptied out all the accumulations – I went on to be graced with profound and direct experiences of Truth that were shown to me unequivocably through my own body and mind. They were experiences of Angel communication, instant and profound healing, and direct, undoubtable experiences of Source. With each such experience greater and greater inner cleansing took place, on some occasions instantly, simply because I asked.

The emotional domain of struggle, stress and suffering was eventually accepted as simply part of the human journey, and in such acceptance it ceased to be the be all. Life began to take on a natural flow, and somehow things just seemed to work out. I let the boat of life carry me on the waves of its oceans, whether turbulent or calm, knowing that there was no possibility of drowning.

With these inner changes occurring, my working life also changed, and I finally had the courage to say goodbye to the security of a reasonably successful career in IT, but one which I didn’t feel was part of my path anymore. I qualified as a Spiritual Counsellor, a Soul Plan Reader, I launched soulalert.com and began a new self-employed internet marketing career. I now feel much more fulfilled in terms of work, certainly my work with clients is a labour of love. I love writing, and may eventually finish my part-written book one day. I love the internet, and thanks to Amega I am able to continue with my online work without undue pain.

This world is at the brink of incredible change, in both external worldly systems and events, and also at the level of collective Consciousness, where re-connection to the core of all things is being realized by many. Such realization at the inner level of people will inevitably affect externals, and mass Consciousness will become an unstoppable snow ball. However, we will yet see things getting worse before they get better. For the changes to come we must be prepared from within as well as without, and this is what I offer you, a chance to go beyond your comfort zone and make use of the changes to transform, bring forth peace and happiness, and serve the world in the way that makes your heart sing.

We must serve as beacons of Light in our own unique way (and there is no wrong and no right way, just a conscious way)…And eventually, like the monkeys who taught their monkey brothers across the other side of the world how to peel a banana simply by doing it themselves, the world will, all being well, finally enter into the long-awaited Golden Age of Peace. At any rate this is my heartfelt prayer and hope.

Reena Gagneja
May 2010